Heartbreak Brings Pain & Change

A Sad Love Story that Will Probably Bore the Shit Out of You

October 25, 2017

This blog wouldn’t have had wings if it wasn’t for the final breakup. It’s a damn shame that change couldn’t take place before, preventing the breakup itself, but I have to accept that it is what it is.

We were together for almost 8 years. The last few were on and off due to long distance. I wanted to move out there when my child moved out, but they had an accident that led me to believe that I could never leave, and I’d be a lifelong caretaker. She had no interest in moving out here away from her family.

Eventually, after many months apart, and together, and apart, she realized she had to move on with her life. I can’t blame her at all. She couldn’t wait to see me once or so a year and then just talk on the phone for the rest of the time. That’s no way to have a family.

I spent months apart sending her love. Wishing she’d find a nice guy and have a baby or three. I even created that scene in a game we used to play together.

We ended up talking again. She kept impressing upon me that we should be friends. Once she said there was nobody new in her life, I began to make plans to move out there and surprise her. My child had just about completely recovered and I no longer was tied to this area.

After some intimate time on the phone, I really thought we were going to go back and her hesitation was caution. Weeks and weeks later she confessed she was in love with a man.

I died. I broke. I’m still trying to climb out.

I told her my plans. I told her I’d move out there tomorrow. But it was too late. She enjoyed her life now and she was happy.

After some back and forth, I realized I can’t heal unless we stop talking. She wants to be friends, and I give her mad kudos for being able to get over our deep love and move on. I can’t. Well, I will move on. But I don’t see us being friends in the future. Maybe that’ll change. If I can do it, I will. If I can’t, then I won’t compromise myself. Until then, no contact at all is best.

This was an extremely deep connection. At least it felt like it from my end, I can’t speak for her.

Looking back at the issues that she noticed, and “left” long before me, I realize that the problems were all distance related. Being apart was depressing, and when we were together from afar it caused this frustration that kept us from moving forward and making it happen. Then there was my child’s medical issue, which turned the situation into a snake eating it’s own tail.

We did do better apart because we moved forward and didn’t expect to be sitting on the phone or computer for part of the evening. But when we were “together,” the fact we weren’t living near each other kept us from moving forward and actually making it happen. What a fucking Catch-22.

And I was my best authentic self when we were physically together. Life was wonderful, even amongst the fights. I never fell in love with someone over and over again like I had with her. I’ve learned that love can both receive and give. I learned that love can endure. I learned that I have the capacity to love greatly. And I learned that I deserve to be loved and treasured. I also learned humility.

She didn’t think I saw her as my equal. I did. I learned and grew a lot in those years. If there’s one thing I wish she’d take away from it all is that she was my equal partner, and I completely respected her thoughts and opinions and she did expand my mind constantly.

And now it’s too late. Time to move on.

It makes me wonder if her turning me down to move out there and be together isn’t for the better. I was ready to give up everything: family, close network of friends, my awesome medical insurance, and support network.

So now my love and devotion is centered around myself. And I’m feeling like a fucking rock star lately.

My friend JT says, “Sometimes not getting what you want is an extreme stroke of luck!” We shall see. I’m pretty excited to see how I will emerge on the other side of this. I know it will be good, I’m just not sure exactly where it will land me. The journey goes on.